Friday, July 22, 2011

Dear Nyx

Dear Nyx,
            Every time we talk to one another we always seem to fight. Our words triggers to emotional rail guns, indiscriminate of who they tear apart. So perhaps some words away from one another can help. Maybe a story can fix things, or at least make a difference.

Besides, we certainly have plenty of ammunition for a good tale.
            Nyx you are the girl who fell in love with me for all the right reasons.

You didn’t love me because I was sad,

You didn’t love me because I was a warm body,

You didn’t love me because you wanted me to entertain you,

You didn’t love me because I asked you to,

You loved me for who I was,
And who I wanted to be.

            We had the perfect teenage love story way back when; hidden in the thralls of a million kisses. We had the perfect number of zombies too. Swords, dates, video-games, friends, long talks on the phone, zombies, stories, pictures, movies, dying our hair blue for some reason, more zombies. I know what you are thinking, I was wrong, we clearly needed more zombies.

            Was it all fun? No not at all. There were flaws, you know that. But looking back I am filled with fond memories, and I hope you are too.

            That happy misdemeanor aside, you left me Nyx, and our happy little teenage youth died that day.

 You can argue the contrary all you want. But to me? In my head? Where I am stuck all day? When you ran off to college you ran from me and left me.

            And that is ok.

But I need you to understand what happened.

You ran to college and I ran to.

Why do you think I decided two weeks before college started, with no major, with all that talk of not going, what changed?

            We did, and we had to. I accepted it, but didn’t like it. You stabbed me in the heart, and just because I knew I was being stabbed didn’t make it any less painful.

            Try stabbing yourself slowly, then tell me otherwise.

            So I ran hundreds of miles away, I ran from everything I knew, everything I could remember, and it was stupid. Emotional and stupid, but I did it anyway.

            I did a lot of stupid things then. Not all of which I am proud of.

            You know what I am proud of though? I grew up Nyx. Not over night, it took a while, but I grew up.

That was a while ago.

             Just because we keep bumping into one another does not make us teenagers again. Things have changed, and we both know that. We just don’t always act like we know that.

            I’m not trying to say I’m mad at you for any of this. I am not mad, or even upset about it. I have always valued you furthering your education, it is very important to you. I just want you to know it hurt a lot back then.

            I keep hoping we can be friends, that we can forge something from our times together from these worlds apart.

          That never seems to be the case for us though. Every time we get together we are clearly not friends. It just isn’t clear what we are.

          I think we are just lonely. There is enough melodrama in this letter already; things do not need to be more complicated than that.

          We are lonely and that compounds with our own personal problems, my career, your life goals, to create a whole lot of yuck.

Man this letter is not going as I intended.

           So I propose we drop the yuck, accept we cannot be for each other what we used to be, that things are different now, that we cannot turn back time and we go on that road trip with Gabriel and Rook like you wanted to.

           Beach, mountains, camping, we have never been camping before. Something fun. Something simple.

- Mr.Joshua -

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