Friday, April 29, 2011

Sword Fighting Girl

Little known fact; I’m a sword fighter.

I can actually fight with just about anything, years and years of training and all that. Swords are just my favorite.

I’m not the best ever, but I can seriously kick some ass when I need to.  Case and point, my last week’s post, and that was unarmed.

But this is not a post about me kicking butt, quite the contrary, this is a post about how awesome it would be to have my butt kicked.

I was just talking to my good man Gabriel when we started a lovely discussion about how I would find it amazing if a girl bested me in sword fighting.

I can see it now,

It would be love at first disarm.

Or dis-arm.

Either way I have likely lost the battle.

I’ve dueled a good many people in my life. Won a lot of them, lost a good number of them as well.

But I’ve never lost to a girl.

Losing a sword fight to a girl, instant crush, and more than a wee bit sexy I might add.

The thing is so much of my self confidence- hell all of it – is built around my ego, which is built around my ability to do things well, which started when I figured out I was a gifted swordsman.

Gabriel then brought up a good point.

“What if she beat you with something other than a sword?”

“Well if she has a gun it’s not quite the same.”

“It also implies I’ve been shot.”

“No no, I mean like a bo staff or something.”

“That could work.”

“I didn't mean anything like a gun.”

“Yeah, guns do kind of kill the challenge curve, me being the challenge curve.”

“Orbital satellite laser?”

wait... this seems familiar....

Though that would explain the whole getting struck by lightning thing a little bit.


See family?

I was not being stupid. I was just trying to meet the girl of my dreams. I just said sword fight, she thought I said lightning fight.

I’m sure people make that mistake all the time.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

So This is what Bullying is Like

                I got through a good portion of my life without being bullied. So much so that I’d gotten it into my head that I would never have that experience.

                I spoke too soon.

                You may know I like to wear a collection of belts. I’ve got a myriad of crazy accessories really.  Fitting in is about as normal as a blue moon to me.

               “What’s with all those belts?  Got an extra one for me?” - and of course this is said in the most rude and obnoxious fashion possible, while still offending the neurons trying to cope with the severe lack of intelligence in this conversation. 

Move please.”

“come on, I just want one…”

                My mind was frantic with the realization that this was bullying; No wonder people did not like it, it felt awful. They backed me up into a corner and threw verbal abuse after verbal abuse. 

                Then things got ugly. I guess my lack of response to there taunts rather rubbed the guy the wrong way, because he tried to punch me in the face. 

“I just want one!”

Not that i was going to allow that to happen.

Then I threw him on the ground.

 Which only lead to his friend getting all upset and trying to grab me.

 I don't know what it is with fights and people trying to grab each other, the though of grabbing one of these guys never once crossed my mind.

The guy then punched me in the arm.

This lead immediately to our little Darth Vader moment.

                Then I left.

I was horrified by the idea that the other two would jump into the fray and I would get my ass kicked by these four douche bags.

                But all and all I was lucky.

Those other two were pansies.

And those four chose the wrong guy to mess with.

Moral of the story; bullying sucks.

Lesson to be learned; don’t dick around with a guy wearing multiple belts.

Saturday, April 16, 2011

There Will be Blood, Velociraptors and Icees.

Back in High school I had a duo of friends that I used to walk over and get Icees with from a local shopping center. This was the most average teenage thing I ever did.
I would walk there with my two friends Lin and Samara

Yeah, just me and some girls. That’s how I roll.

Now it is important to note that Lin was secretly a velociraptor.

and Samara was secretly a potato.

I mean clearly she was not really a potato, but for all intensive purposes she was a potato and had to come to terms with that. There were many long days where Samara would try and deny her potato-ness. I felt for her, I understood how hard it could be to try and deny something so key to who you are. But in time she would come to accept her heritage.

I know what you are thinking, I do have the most awesome friends.

So on one of our many “Icee runs” as we walked along dropping lines from There will be blood” about milkshakes and how good Paul Dano was in that movie –

We had to cross the street.

Now a car was coming from far up on the hill. Lin however was quite sure we could make it if we just moved with a bit of vigor in our steps.
All in raptanese of course; the native language of the raptors. fortunately Samara and I were both fluent in raptanese and so completely understood what she was trying to say.
So we ran across the street.
At which point what does the car up on the hill do? Speed up.

We bolted across the street, the car missing us by a lot less then I would have liked.  I also remember some gargled outrage emitting from the passing car, as it tried to kill us, I can only assume upset at its failed murder attempt. Maybe the man in that car just really had a thing against velociraptors? Or maybe potatos?
We never did find out, but we sure as hell never crossed the street again if we could even see a car.
On the plus side, the Icee was delicious.

Friday, April 8, 2011

Homosexual Zombie Relationship Trouble


A conversation I had with Cyber over Skype described things quite well. 

[6:54:04 PM] Mr. Joshua: It is a poem about zombies.
[6:54:08 PM] Mr. Joshua: but at the same time,
[6:54:17 PM] Mr. Joshua: about a troubled relationship.
[6:54:21 PM] Mr. Joshua: But at the same time,
[6:54:40 PM] Mr. Joshua: about fighting for your own sexuality.
[6:54:43 PM] Mr. Joshua: But at the same time,
[6:54:46 PM] Mr. Joshua: it is about zombies again.
[6:55:15 PM] Cyber: Ah.
[6:55:18 PM] Cyber: Sounds deep.
[6:55:25 PM] Mr. Joshua: but at the same time,
[6:55:25 PM] Mr. Joshua: not at all.

I first wrote this poem to be a sad poem inspired by a conversation I had with a girl I've romantic interests in. Which should make sense after last weeks post. 
But when I began to draw it all the pictures were boring.
So I looked at the poem again,
that time I saw a man, or woman, trying to stand and pronounce there homosexuality despite what society often demands. 
Drawing again I was still getting rather dull pictures.
So I looked a third time at the poem,
that time I saw zombies. 
So in the end I find myself with a poem that is a metaphor for many different things.

I wonder what you see in it? 

Friday, April 1, 2011

The minions of cold

So up here where I am at, because for some reason I assume where I live is higher than where you live...
Hold on I can check this.

Ok so, down here where I live it is cold, it is also winter-ish, so that is not very surprising. What is surprising is how cold it has gotten. I’m not surprised because of the temperature, it is only about 30 degrees out there which is not all that cold.

The scary part is that yesterday it was 78 degrees. I’m talking F° here. In less than twenty four hours we lost more than half of the heat around us.

This has been tearing people apart.

Most of this happened while we were asleep. The temperature started to fall and simply never came back.
When I woke up this morning I was not only cold, I was exhausted. Even now as I write this my eyes are heavy and I want to take a nap.

So here is my hypothesis.

The minions of the overlord of cold came to steal our heat to use them as slaves.

As you can imagine most people would not stand for this and thusly fought back while we were asleep.
I imagine it looked something like this.

It looks like it was not the most successful battle on our side though as we only retained half of our heat by the end of it.

I am going to go out on a limb and say that the overlord of cold’s minions had weapons and thus the advantage.

This is obviously the only logical conclusion to make.

I've begun plans for a counter attack.

*Update* - a few hours later -

I've spent the day walking around and commending people on how tired they are.

*Update* -  a few more hours later -

Just talked to someone who was not tired. The traitor!

*Update* - the next day -

It is actually colder today. The forces of the overlord of cold are much stronger then I had predicted.